Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
