So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
