I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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