I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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