probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
