this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
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if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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