Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i love accidental penises.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
