why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
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