I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Randomize
