When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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