My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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