so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
