the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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