This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
