all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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