Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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