I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
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She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
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Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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