Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
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Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
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Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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