I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
