What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
