Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
