I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
