she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
