I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
