i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
