Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
