he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
