dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
