remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
