I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
