you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
MIDGETS
????
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
