standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
