I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
