Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Randomize
