textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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