the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
There's a naked man in my car right now.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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