The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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