Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Randomize
