I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
