Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
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