I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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