You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
