During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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