Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
