happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I love having hate sex.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
