shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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