Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
