You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
