I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
