I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
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