Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
