She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Come on in and take your pants off
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