Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
