he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
