Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
