where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
he wants to bone in the snuggie
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
