I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
