I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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