Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
