I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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